Real Ants In Fantasy Landscapes

Every summer Andrey moves to his cottage in the countryside where he lives close to an anthill of red forest ants. Fascinated by their colony and the way they work together so methodically and effectively, he noticed that they all follow a very specific path when they are working.

   

 An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog speaks up again and says, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket.

The frog then cries out, "If you kiss me and turn me back, I'll do whatever you say!"

Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asks, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?"

The engineer says, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"

A man came back from a long business trip to find that his son had a new $300 mountain bike.

“How'd you get that, son?"

"By hiking."

“Hiking?"

“Yeah, every night, Mom's boss came over and gave me $20 to take a hike."

 

 TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

FROM: Human Resources

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated.

We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers. Therefore, a list of TRY SAYING new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees. SO...

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.

INSTEAD OF: When the hell do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that is not feasible.

INSTEAD OF: No fuckin way!!

TRY SAYING: Really?

INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...

INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh*t.

TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned.

INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a sh*t.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.

INSTEAD OF: It's not my frigging problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.

INSTEAD OF: What the hell?!?!

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure I can implement this.

INSTEAD OF: F**K it. It won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.

INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?

INSTEAD OF: Who the hell cares?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the problem.

INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his A*s.

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?

INSTEAD OF: Eat sh*t and die.

TRY SAYING: So, you weren't happy with it?

INSTEAD OF: Kiss my A*s.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.

INSTEAD OF: F**K it! I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.

INSTEAD OF: Shove it up you'rE a*s!

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.

INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?

INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING: I see.

INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.

INSTEAD OF: Another darned meeting!!!

TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.

INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a sh*t.

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.

INSTEAD OF: He's a frigging prick.

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go getter.

INSTEAD OF: She's a ball busting bitch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.

INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the hell you're doing.